He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
