cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
