just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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