My hand turned me down
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
