Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
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