God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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