I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
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My cat gives me a boner
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
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I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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