guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
