If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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