Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
false alarm, still single
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