I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
