did you get engaged???
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
