so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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