i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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