I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
