i wish starbucks made bloody marys
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
