just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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