Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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