our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just gargled with NyQuil
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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