I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
