Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
