My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Vodka?
Forever.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
