Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
