i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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