The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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