ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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