I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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