I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
two words...techno handjob
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
