I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
