The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
