I met the friendliest cop last night
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
