i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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