I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
