Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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