And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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