We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
