Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
