my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
