Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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