What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
