there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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