also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
