remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
