So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
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You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
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Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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