We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
