How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
