FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
