Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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