i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
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I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
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My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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