It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize