We won't sleep together?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
