We're like a lot better than the average bears
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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