this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
