dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
